Let me start by saying that although I know new parenthood will be no picnic in the park...I had not anticipated the hardships of the last days of pregnancy. As my due date looms near...I am growing not only more uncomfortable but also more emotional and anxious. It's a strange wave of emotions that I was not prepared for at all.
I'm pissed because I'm over it physically. I'm tired, in pain and feel like a humongous giant of life walking around amongst cute people in bikinis. I want my old body back...I want to run--jump--bend over and get up from the couch without grunting.
Then you have the emotional side of it. I find myself in tears for no good reason. In fact, the other day I cried when they replayed Giada DeLaurentis serving food to Prince William and Kate on tv. I mean, really?!? And yesterday I tearfully called Matt up at work only to say "I don't know" when he asked me what is wrong. Because really--I don't know. I can guess that I'm also over it emotionally. It's hard to wait for something you want so badly. I want to see my baby's face, hear his/her cries and finally know for sure if it's a boy or girl! I want to say his/her name out loud and look into his/her eyes knowing that we made this little miracle. I know that I should be relishing in my last few days of 'freedom' but it's difficult. I imagine that if I had my regular body it would be much easier...I would flaunt my figure at the beach and gallivant around town with friends but I don't even feel like doing that. Seeing myself in a bathing suit is no treat and I don't do much 'gallivanting' these days as any small task takes extra measures (another of life's gifts of getting ready for mommy hood).
And lastly...as I can see the finish line I'm also growing more anxious about the birth...which I've always felt pretty calm about until recently. I'm nervous about something going wrong or just the sheer pain of it. My 'plan' (haha...plan...) is to just listen to the doctors and do what they tell me to. But the whole idea of having contractions, the epidural, birthing the baby and all that comes after that is really starting to freak me out. In other words, my confidence is waning.
To put it plainly--I'm totally over it mentally, physically and emotionally.
On top of all of this mess...this upcoming week is my most very favorite week of the year. Christmas? No way. My birthday? Not a chance. My favorite time of the year is when my family and I go on vacation to NC. I look forward to it from the minute we leave and have a mental countdown going constantly in my head. My family gets here tomorrow and although I'm super excited...I'm also sad because my vacation will be quite different this year. Depending on my state...I might be there for one night or not at all...and this has done nothing to help my already poor attitude.
I'm feeling sad and yucky and blah...so I went through some pictures of last summer this morning and found this gem. Taken exactly one year ago, this is us on our way to a concert the night before we left for NC. We are full of excitement, ready for anything. I guess I feel the same way today...but for TOTALLY different reasons.
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